HELLO I AM ALIVE.
Alright so hey it’s Sunday for another hour and I am back (I know, you were all super worried. I heard your cries of panic and read all of your fanmail while I was away.)
I’ve been gone for longer than the three weeks I was at The Performing Arts Project (referred to as, “tpap” from here on in), and I am sorry for that, but I’m promising you that I will be updating on a more regular basis (mostly weekly, I hope) from now on.
Anyway, my children, here is what I have been thinking about:
So, weirdly enough, I’m a very complex person. Like, I am totally shy and sheltered, but sometimes I’m really outgoing and I kiss everybody on the mouth, I mean, it’s a lot. I’m such a weirdo, nobody gets me, and I try to be liked, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I always will be. I get that, and I know that not everyone is going to fall in love with me, but I do have to say that I have self-esteem issues surrounding that.
Here’s something that’s really been shoved into my face, brain, heart, and soul over the last few weeks:
It’s true. and I can tell you that until I am blue in the face, but until you are faced with it every day for 21 days, you may not get it. I’m still learning. I’m on my way.
But I have something to tell you: You ARE enough. You are very much enough. You can do anything you put your mind to, and everything, even the things that you feel were put in your way to ruin you, all of those things, they happened for a reason, and you will be stronger for it.
While I was at tpap, I learned so much about myself, and our art, and just about life in general. Mostly, though, I was thrown into a situation where everybody was exclusively and fiercely on my side. Everybody there wanted me to succeed, and I wanted them to succeed! Never before have I ever been in a creative situation where people were not fighting for the spotlight. There, none of that was necessary, because we all wanted to be fair, we all worked hard, and we took care of each other. We were a family by default. And everybody deserves to have that. Actually, you can all have that. There’s an open facebook group committed to that idea, and I can approve you all if you private message me asking about it :]
In my last days in North Carolina, I was talking to a friend of mine (who is doing AMAZING things to integrate sign language into theatre- her name is Stefanie) about my journey- you all know the story: I was rejected from a bunch of programs and I went to a shitty school where I was unhappy and felt belittled every day, then I went home, and I started back up at UNH, still felt a little out of place, then finally a magical musical called [title of show] came along and changed everything- and she said, “that’s amazing. how amazing is it that all of those things led you here?” And I thought about it- and I couldn’t believe it. I have always been a person who believes in things happening for a reason, but I never felt its impact until that moment. If I had been accepted anywhere else, if I had chosen any other path, I never would have done any of the incredible things I’ve experienced this year. I met some of my heroes this summer. I learned how to create and live with reckless abandon. I wouldn’t trade anything in life for that. Not a single thing. Because every setback, every road block, every single little thing that went “wrong” led me exactly where I needed to be.
So please, when you are in the deepest pit and you can’t see any kind of light, hang on. Because there is a way out, and you will be stronger and better and more amazing than you can ever imagine. Your life path is unbelievable, and you will do incredible things.
I love you.